Christmas is forced upon a reluctant and disgusted nation by the
shopkeepers and the press; on its own merits it would wither and shrivel
in the fiery breath of universal hatred. ~ G B Shaw
Merry Christmas my butt. Already my email inbox is filling up with 'Defend Christmas' and 'Keep Christ in Christmas' propaganda. And Lord knows my television can't seem to keep itself from imploring me to buy stuff to celebrate the 'holiday'. So you know a rant is coming...
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here not to praise or damn Christmas, but to reclaim it with hard cold facts. I'm going to provide you with a quick history, illuminate the ways the squirrels have messed it up almost beyond redemption, and show you how to truly celebrate this ancient festival of passion and light.
THE ORIGINS AND GROWTH: A few of thousand years ago people became aware of the cyclical nature of the seasons. In the northern hemisphere this meant that the sun, that all important provider of heat and light and grower of food, spent less time in the sky throughout the fall. In late December (on our calendar) that process reversed itself and the days got longer. That meant spring was coming again. Could there be a better reason for a wild party? So most every culture celebrated with a combination of imploring the local gods, thanking the sun itself, a feeling of tremendous relief, and good old fashioned orgy of drunkenness, gluttony, and sex. Makes sense. Throughout the fall it's getting colder and darker and we carefully prepare for the worst. When the sun turns back around we can relax and let out all that anxiety. And fertility always means sex. Good times.
In the 4th century the Roman Emperor converted to Christianity. He also converted most of the Roman empire. Not everyone was thrilled with this idea and they needed a little convincing. As part of the negotiation he promised them that they could keep their largest pagan festival, The Saturnalia. He declared the date of birth for Jesus to be December 25th, not because he was actually born on that date but because that was the birth date of the Mithras, a version of the Greek sun god Helios. His birth was also witnessed by three shepherds under a north star. In fact much of the modern story of Jesus' birth may have been 'borrowed' from Mithraism. The Mithra birthday party was the height of the 12 day Saturnalia celebration which included gift giving, drunken debauchery, feasting, and repeating 'Ho Saturn' three times upon meeting friends. This last custom was eventually shortened to 'ho ho ho'. Sound familiar?
Over the next thousand years Christianity spread throughout Europe. And since the tactic of pagan party adoption had worked so well, they kept at it. The druids brought evergreens into the house around the solstice to represent the re-greening of the fields. Germans and others hung apples and other ornaments on trees for the same reason. The Norse burned a Yule Log. Southern Italians forced minorities to run naked from house to house singing songs. Many cultures had a father or prankster figure that brought gifts. In short, Christmas became a cultural vacuum cleaner for everyone's solstice celebrations.
HOW DID WE GET HERE: What we consider to be a 'traditional Christmas' is actually pretty modern and, like every culture before us, it represents our current god, the Great and Almighty Commerce. The current incarnation of Santa Claus found everywhere is based on the work of an illustrator named Haddon Sundblom who worked for a very popular soda company. The bright red and white were representative of their corporate colors. Card companies and department stores have long used the holiday to bring out the shoppers. Almost every modern Christmas ritual was either designed by or promoted by a retail company. Just like the Christians before them they've adopted the ancient festivals for their own purpose of conversion. By celebrating modern Christmas you are celebrating the greatest god of our time Consumerism.
CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTIANITY: One of the ironic things here is that Christians have been complaining about losing their stolen holiday for hundreds of years. Early American Christian churches knew their history better than the current crop does and tried repeatedly to outlaw the holiday. In fact the puritans succeeded in making Christmas celebrations illegal in New England for awhile. English newspapers were complaining about the over commercialism of the holiday as early as the mid 1700s. The central conflict between Christian joy repression and solstice time revelry has always provided a tense background for the holiday.
The modern 'War on Christmas' crap isn't new. The Christians just keep changing sides. Christmas was actually never a truly Christian holiday and it isn't a Christian holiday now; it's a commercial one. Of course you can choose to worship a dead Jewish carpenter's son during the celebration if you'd like. But it's RIDICULOUS and WRONG to insist that it defines the holiday.
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES: So what is a modern, relatively aware, non-Christian to do? What if you don't want to worship at the altar of Macy's? What if you think Consumerism and Commercialism and Jesus are all false Gods? Well, for the last few years I've tried to ignore Christmas and, much to my surprise, it didn't go away. So this year I'm going back to it's roots. An orgy of wine, gluttony, and sex. Light and nature and fun. Sure, a Christmas tree. Why not. Candles, friends, and laughter. No gifts, no Jesus, no forced somber moods. The sun is returning and I'll welcome it back with open arms. And then I'm going to LA for two days followed by 5 more in Vegas. A true old fashioned, traditional Bacchanalia. Chasing around pretty girls while I'm fueled by rum, cigars and big thick steaks. Ho ho ho indeed. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.
Merry Christmas my butt. Already my email inbox is filling up with 'Defend Christmas' and 'Keep Christ in Christmas' propaganda. And Lord knows my television can't seem to keep itself from imploring me to buy stuff to celebrate the 'holiday'. So you know a rant is coming...
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here not to praise or damn Christmas, but to reclaim it with hard cold facts. I'm going to provide you with a quick history, illuminate the ways the squirrels have messed it up almost beyond redemption, and show you how to truly celebrate this ancient festival of passion and light.
THE ORIGINS AND GROWTH: A few of thousand years ago people became aware of the cyclical nature of the seasons. In the northern hemisphere this meant that the sun, that all important provider of heat and light and grower of food, spent less time in the sky throughout the fall. In late December (on our calendar) that process reversed itself and the days got longer. That meant spring was coming again. Could there be a better reason for a wild party? So most every culture celebrated with a combination of imploring the local gods, thanking the sun itself, a feeling of tremendous relief, and good old fashioned orgy of drunkenness, gluttony, and sex. Makes sense. Throughout the fall it's getting colder and darker and we carefully prepare for the worst. When the sun turns back around we can relax and let out all that anxiety. And fertility always means sex. Good times.
In the 4th century the Roman Emperor converted to Christianity. He also converted most of the Roman empire. Not everyone was thrilled with this idea and they needed a little convincing. As part of the negotiation he promised them that they could keep their largest pagan festival, The Saturnalia. He declared the date of birth for Jesus to be December 25th, not because he was actually born on that date but because that was the birth date of the Mithras, a version of the Greek sun god Helios. His birth was also witnessed by three shepherds under a north star. In fact much of the modern story of Jesus' birth may have been 'borrowed' from Mithraism. The Mithra birthday party was the height of the 12 day Saturnalia celebration which included gift giving, drunken debauchery, feasting, and repeating 'Ho Saturn' three times upon meeting friends. This last custom was eventually shortened to 'ho ho ho'. Sound familiar?
Over the next thousand years Christianity spread throughout Europe. And since the tactic of pagan party adoption had worked so well, they kept at it. The druids brought evergreens into the house around the solstice to represent the re-greening of the fields. Germans and others hung apples and other ornaments on trees for the same reason. The Norse burned a Yule Log. Southern Italians forced minorities to run naked from house to house singing songs. Many cultures had a father or prankster figure that brought gifts. In short, Christmas became a cultural vacuum cleaner for everyone's solstice celebrations.
HOW DID WE GET HERE: What we consider to be a 'traditional Christmas' is actually pretty modern and, like every culture before us, it represents our current god, the Great and Almighty Commerce. The current incarnation of Santa Claus found everywhere is based on the work of an illustrator named Haddon Sundblom who worked for a very popular soda company. The bright red and white were representative of their corporate colors. Card companies and department stores have long used the holiday to bring out the shoppers. Almost every modern Christmas ritual was either designed by or promoted by a retail company. Just like the Christians before them they've adopted the ancient festivals for their own purpose of conversion. By celebrating modern Christmas you are celebrating the greatest god of our time Consumerism.
CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTIANITY: One of the ironic things here is that Christians have been complaining about losing their stolen holiday for hundreds of years. Early American Christian churches knew their history better than the current crop does and tried repeatedly to outlaw the holiday. In fact the puritans succeeded in making Christmas celebrations illegal in New England for awhile. English newspapers were complaining about the over commercialism of the holiday as early as the mid 1700s. The central conflict between Christian joy repression and solstice time revelry has always provided a tense background for the holiday.
The modern 'War on Christmas' crap isn't new. The Christians just keep changing sides. Christmas was actually never a truly Christian holiday and it isn't a Christian holiday now; it's a commercial one. Of course you can choose to worship a dead Jewish carpenter's son during the celebration if you'd like. But it's RIDICULOUS and WRONG to insist that it defines the holiday.
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES: So what is a modern, relatively aware, non-Christian to do? What if you don't want to worship at the altar of Macy's? What if you think Consumerism and Commercialism and Jesus are all false Gods? Well, for the last few years I've tried to ignore Christmas and, much to my surprise, it didn't go away. So this year I'm going back to it's roots. An orgy of wine, gluttony, and sex. Light and nature and fun. Sure, a Christmas tree. Why not. Candles, friends, and laughter. No gifts, no Jesus, no forced somber moods. The sun is returning and I'll welcome it back with open arms. And then I'm going to LA for two days followed by 5 more in Vegas. A true old fashioned, traditional Bacchanalia. Chasing around pretty girls while I'm fueled by rum, cigars and big thick steaks. Ho ho ho indeed. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.
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